Why Is Breaking Up With Someone So Painful & Exhausting?


Why is breaking up so painful? Why is it so hard to detach yourself from someone? Is it because you loved that person and now when he/she is not there, you don’t know how to live without that person?

Or you cannot just accept the fact that things didn’t work out between you two and you need to let go of it. There is a slight difference here, and this slight difference makes a whole lot of impact on our mental well-being and our future life.

I am going through a legal separation and it is dead painful. After years of trying, understanding, giving chances, giving space, things couldn’t work out between us. Writing has been my saviour and maybe the awareness about when and where to stop helped me to let him go.

Why is breaking up so painful in a relationship?

The process of separation creates havoc inside your mind and you feel it could burst any time, any moment. We attach our entire life to someone and when they move, we see our whole world crashing right in front of us.

Do you know why is breaking up so painful? Because, it is like you pick up the broken pieces every day and fix yourself and still there is this vacuum instilled deep inside you, beyond anybody’s imagination. No matter how graceful you are dealing with such a situation, you still feel empty inside, because you once loved that person and never expected life without them.

We as Indian married women are conditioned in a manner that we feel our whole world is defined by our life partner and we have to pour out our last bit of blood and energy to keep things smooth and running, WHY? Because of the society, because the norms and because it is how it SHOULD be.

But, as I said earlier, after a point of time you understand that there is nothing left here and all you are doing is banging your head over the wall and hurting yourself in return, accumulating only loads of pain.

Why is breaking up so painful in a marriage?

When you are in a relationship/affair and things don’t work out between you two, you go home, you have a place to go. Although the suffering and pain are immeasurable and incomparable, you have a place to go back, and most of the times nobody knows about your relationship. Most importantly, you don’t have a child to worry about.

In marriages, things become way too complicated. The emotional and mental pain feels no less than like physical pain. Most of the time even parents don’t support you. To top that, few people make it so ugly to deal with, no gut, no spine just cruelty to demean each other. Why is breaking up is so painful? Here a few reasons:

1.) Future Insecurities

About self, about raising the child alone.

2.) Financial Challenges

Raising a child and taking care of everything single-handedly not only requires a lot of mental energy but a stable income.

3.) Society

Divorce, separation, marriages then second marriages? Rebound? No one lets you take a breather and give you time to heal.

4.) Loneliness

The darkest side of going through a heartbreak.

5.) Defamation

Yes, the other side will leave not a single chance to point out their filthy fingers on you and make your life miserable.

6.) Feeling of getting judged

I think it is a feeling that is a result of the huge decision, a huge change in your life changes the way people look at you.

7.) Abundance of unsolicited advices

Aah!! We have so many of them around all of us, isn’t it?

After the years of crying, complaining, trying to make amends, trying to fit in trying to win him back, I chose to set him free. Maybe this is the LOVE we talk about, the love we all want, to just let it be. And, I would like to share a very meaningful poem with you all, written by Jorge Luis Borges. This has hit me real hard.

A poem by Jorge Luis Borges  After a while you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,  And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning And company doesn't mean security.  And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts And presents aren't promises,  And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your eyes open With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,  And you learn to build all your roads on today Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.  After a while you learn... That even sunshine burns if you get too much.  So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.  And you learn that you really can endure  That you really are strong  And you really do have worth...  And you learn and learn...  With every good-bye you learn. 

Over the period, I have realized what true love is and there is a difference between want and need, and how this small difference is capable of making a huge shift in our relationship status.

I don’t know how I managed to write this post, but I know someone will be reading me today and I need strength, a lot of strength. I hope we all get the love and light we deserve and not what we chase. What do you think, why is breaking up so painful?


Priyanka Nair is the author of 26 Days 26 Ways for a Happier you and Ardhaviram . An NLP practitioner and Founder of Sanity Daily, helping you prioritize your mental health. Let’s build a happy community.

This blog post is part of the blog challenge ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’ hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla .

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